Fear……Muahahaaaaaaa

Well it IS almost Halloween!  

 

 

 

Are you aware that you make choices out of fear and worry? OK, are you aware of how many choices you make out of fear and worry?

Some choices that are based in fear and worry are about money, competition, relationships, children, being the best at whatever it is you do….the list goes on and on. You might say, “Well those aren’t bad things.” In fact, our world is based on avoiding the “bad” things of life, as if it were possible to never have “bad” things happen, if we do certain things to avoid them. Our expectations are goals and images we create in our imagination about what life looks like if you could avoid the “bad” things. This is part of the denial of our minds, since there is no way to use an expectation to keep “bad” things from happening.

I was listening to a podcast earlier in the week with Dr. Wayne Dyer. 
http://www.tombarnardpodcast.com/dr-wayne-dyer/?fb_action_ids=4730489988254&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=288381481237582

He was addressing the struggles of a young person who had graduated and could not find work. She said to Dr. Dyer, “I did everything I was supposed to do. I’ve been a good student, volunteered, studied hard, and worked. I don’t understand why I can’t get a job.” He shared how he believes that she needed to change her perception of herself before she would be able to step out of her own way. She needed to change her paradigm. Her expectations are stuck in a box and as long as she is in the box, she would not see an alternate solution or path her career happiness.

Her frustration is clearly understandable. She had been raised to believe that taking action would help her avoid a “bad” thing: in this case, not getting a good job.  Well, she couldn’t predict a recession. Her expectations are not matching up to reality. Clients often say, “Well, I did what I was supposed to do.  I don’t get why I have to talk about my childhood to fix my marriage?” Or, “I don’t understand why we can’t just talk about things?” Somehow, our perception of what should happen, if we have done what we believe to be enough, should somehow make our expectations become real, so we can avoid the “bad” stuff. So we stop, become stuck, and can’t understand why we are where we are……hmmmmm.

If you believe your expectations, you are believing your own myths. Your expectations need to be based in reality. The reality is we cannot and do not control much of anything. You were told as a small child not to cross the road without looking both ways for fear of getting hit! You don’t want to get hit, but there is a possibility you might get hit, so even if you look both ways, getting hit could happen. Just because you don’t expect to get hit, doesn’t mean there’s a guarantee you’ll be safe. So, why do we get stuck in fear and worry when we perceive a fear? 

The fear of being judged, not included, avoided, abandoned, shamed, ridiculed, unloved, unaccepted, or worse, to not exist, are all standard human fears. Heightened anxiety and deep sadness around fear is what brings people into therapy. This is especially true for those on the verge of divorce or separation. One husband says, “I want her back. Tell me what to do.” This husband is painfully aware of his fear of being abandoned (divorced or separated from his wife) but he doesn’t know that this emotional response is about him and not about his wife. His experience is something separate from his relationship. He is making unhealthy decisions based on his perceived fear of being left alone. This is not helping his wife feel safe or loved in the relationship. Another couple is struggling with affair recovery. The affair occurred with someone he met in a common place of entertainment. His wife is now having strong feelings about the establishment and cannot fathom her husband being in the same building as the ”other woman.” Her fear of abandonment, rejection, and pain are about her experiences, not about whether or not he can be trusted. Her fear will not dictate whether or not he will or will not cheat again. But her fear is real and palpable. The increased anxiety influences her ability to be rationale or logical. In this case, she has too much pain to see beyond her fears. So her husband is essentially asking his wife to move from a place that she is not ready to move from, not yet.

 Good people make choices based in fear everyday. Some of those choices result in affairs, addictions, raging, shaming, emotional cut-off, and other unhealthy interactions. What do you do with your fear? How are you able to use it in a more healthy way? You could use your fear to learn more about yourself.

Ask yourself some questions:

1. Ask yourself what it is your fearful of and why
2. Ask yourself if it is truly as threatening as it seems
3. Ask yourself where the fear is coming from
4. Is this something you can change
5. Is this fear something that will help you move forward or make changes
6. Is this fear something that keeps you trapped in your current paradigm
7. Why is this fear so important
8. Does this fear interrupt my life
9. Can I move forward even if my fear comes true
10. Does this fear keep you focused on others instead of yourself

Recovery for moving from being a fear based decision maker takes years, but is well worth the journey. Choosing to love someone for who they are and the gift that they are in your life is much more fulfilling than being afraid of being alone. Being a parent who can accept your child for their flaws is more loving than shaming them for their shortcomings. Do you wish you were less of an anxiety or fear-based decision maker?

“In the beginning…there was Space!”

 

 

 This week has been heavy with abandonment, neediness, and despair. I often feel hopeful for many clients who are able to deeply process their pain, understand and accept their realities….but this week was heavy. Endeavoring in the task to help people tear down and rebuild their relationships is a challenge. Approaching marital issues, couples, and individuals requires respect for where they are in the process, knowing they will need change. Before changes can happen, there is a need to shatter false hope and false expectations once we understand what is going wrong, to understand what’s getting in the way. 

 

Beginning the recovery process takes a leap of faith. When couples start counseling, faith is in limited supply. There is so much intensity and neediness in each person, that emotions run high and out of control at times. Some things to remember when entering counseling is (1) you are unable to make healthy changes on your own, (2) the issues you are experiencing in your marriage are outside of your control, (3) the negativity has run you into hopelessness and helplessness, (4) the issues are bigger than both of you. This is just the beginning. There is hope once you begin marriage counseling, but it takes several months before healthy changes become natural in you and in your partner and this requires work.

The process will bring about uncomfortable feelings that don’t feel good. That is supposed to happen. Addressing issues that aren’t being talked about or aren’t even known to each person in the relationship is precisely why there are issues in the first place. Trying to make changes and expecting them to feel happy or good is unrealistic. Sometimes clients can become frustrated or disappointed that certain behavioral tools don’t work early on in the process. Behavioral tools do not work because the issue is inside the person, so “doing” an activity isn’t going to change how you feel. In fact, it can irritate an already tense and painful situation, when it doesn’t work.    

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

Couples need different suggestions for different issues. In some relationships people are too close…not in a healthy way, but in an enmeshed way. This can build abandonment feelings for each person if there is too much closeness. Self-abandonment is like losing your passion, drive, uniqueness for the sake of someone else. In this case, space is needed. Some couples are too distant, living separate lives, unaware of the lack of intimacy that exists between them. This is too much dependency on self, flawed independence, and may require uncomfortable closeness and an understanding of how this is the baseline in the relationship.

Let’s get back to the needing space for those couples who are enmeshed. The reason couples come to counseling is to stay together in a solid relationship for the long haul. That goal may not seem possible at the time, but with therapy, couples can become more secure within themselves, providing the relationship more security as well. Sometimes space is needed to be able to gain clarity, to reduce reactivity, anger, unhealthy reactions, and just some breathing space. Space can be actually physically separating, which could be scary for some people. But depending on how angry you are, separation could be exactly what you’re looking for; the ability to take time for yourself to gain clarity. Space can also be time taken to think before speaking, before deciding, before reacting to your feelings. Creating space is about slowing down life and your internal processes. Creating space can trigger abandonment, fear, shame, jealousy, insecurity, and other vulnerabilities in yourself and in your partner. These are the challenging times in therapy but are also the most rewarding for long-term, emotional health. Good emotional health benefits the individual and the relationship. Being in an unhappy marriage, before recovery, is like being in the eye of the storm. You can’t see, because there is too much going on right in front

of you and its all moving too fast to manage.

Creating space is a tricky move, especially when reactivity is high in the relationship. Being counter-intuitive, behaving in new ways, and thinking in new ways is scary, unpredictable, and represents more unknowns. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself. Learn new hope, new faith, and new trust…..

Build the space and the relationship will come.        

Courage to face the Fear

Using courage to face your fears means understanding that you don’t or won’t feel safe in painful situations with your significant other. That doesn’t mean that it’s healthy to keep running away from the interaction, punish the person you feel hurt you, or believe that people are incapable of understanding you. In order to learn about yourself and about how you experience emotional pain, it is necessary to remain and exist within the conversation. It means facing your fears about not being heard, feeling abandoned, and feeling betrayed by the person who triggers your pain with courage.

The cycle you are re-creating is actually the re-enactment of the way your mother or father interacted with you or your family members. If they used cut-off, shutting down, shaming, or yelling, during conflicted times, then you will re-enact these types of behaviors that influences your family members in a similar way. The abandonment feelings created in those scenarios are painful and you can’t manage your abandonment or fear of engulfment by avoiding your partner or by punishing your partner. The way your parents taught you to maintain or push away closeness is the way you will manage your intimacy with your partner. It’s the sharpest tool in the emotional shed that you choose to use because you become afraid and you know very well how you will feel and it’s not pleasant.  

 

 

 

You can’t heal your abandonment if you continue to numb, pain kill, disconnect, or use punishment and retribution on the person who triggers your pain. Emotional resolution and recovery of abandonment can be the gift that comes by facing your feelings knowing you are fearful, yet continue to remain connected with yourself. If you self-abandon by shutting down or cutting off, you won’t know what you need or how to reach resolution for your abandonment.

Who Are You Really?

Who are you really?

The typical answers won’t do here….such as student, wife, mom, daughter, father, owner, employee, doctor, lawyer, teacher, brother, lover, husband, etc. These are roles we play in the world, but not who we are….who we are is the story we believe about ourselves. You are not merely the things you do or the roles you play. What do you believe in the depth of your heart about your existence? How intimate are you with yourself and with others? This is what you believe about yourself.

When Deepak Chopra asked this of Oprah Winfrey, I thought to myself, “What a great question!” How would I answer this? I know what I love and what inspires me. I know what helps me learn and what hurts me. I am a nature lover, who sees unconditional love in horses and dogs. I love people to a fault, almost as an addiction. For me, without family and friends, life just isn’t full and complete. I am private, sometimes, and always wanting to help. I struggle with being bigger than others at times and too soft in other moments. I am a little girl at heart, who sometimes likes to play too much. My husband knows this all too well. I am a woman born during changing times. Many have paved the way for me as I hope to help pave the way for others. I love deeply and have given my heart to those I love.

I grew up in a conservative, traditional home where parents played traditional 1950s roles, but it was the 1970s. As an Asian American, mixed with western culture, my heart sings when I see the Chicago skyline or hear classical Indian music. I am light and happy and serious at the same time. I admire the generations before me who share their stories of wisdom, success, and failure. I have been given the opportunity to heal and overcome hurts and woundings. Life is hard, but it is also worth the battle, even in the most painful times. I am all of my experiences and the experiences of others and of the One who made me. Life has provided chances for help, guidance, and learning. I may answer this question differently in the years to come, but for today, this is what feels right to me. 

How would you answer this question? Do you believe you have the power to make you peaceful? Do you have the power to make yourself happy? Do you have the power to be yourself? Do you have the power to stay connected to yourself? Things to think about and things that make you go….Hmmmmm. (For those of you that remember Arsenio.)

“He Didn’t Know Her”

 

Inspiration is everywhere in the work of a therapist. There is a fair amount of relationship pain that walks into my office. Many wish to have love, acceptance, and belonging….for the authentic self to be revealed, accepted, and loved. Not by what a person does or accomplishes……but to be truly loved. A dear friend of mine taught me this about intimacy: “It’s having the ability to sing the song of your beloved’s heart back to them.”  The need to be loved with unconditional regard is natural and normal.

 A poem for you……by the way, learn to sing the song of your heart to yourself, no matter what!

 

  He didn’t get to know Me

  The girl who needs to know you know

   The girl who sways in the wind

   Listening to her favorite songs

    Dreaming about you

 

He didn’t get to know Me

The girl who needs to feel you know

The girl who dances to her music, Singing her favorite songs

A slow, steady bluesy mix, a rough female vocalist

Dreaming about you

 

He didn’t get to know Me

The girl who needs to know you know

The girl who looks in the mirror

Playing with her hair, twirling her locks

Imagining he will love all of her

Dreaming about you

 

He didn’t get to know Me

The girl who needs to know you know

That She doesn’t want to be that girl

The girl who knows she’s been living a half-life

The girl who knows you know

That she needs you, your real love

Her heart flutters

When her songs play

When her friends sit with her

When she loves him

 

The music dances on her heart

Singing, She looks for you, She doesn’t see you

She needs you where She Is

And She knows He knows….

 

She needs him to know

She is Free

When She knows He knows Her heart

When He can sing Her Heart Back to Her

“Attention: Indianapolis Marriage Counseling……It’s not just about your parents!”

Our marriage counseling is heavily based on the family systems paradigm. Many of our Indianapolis area married couples who are seeking counseling originally believe that marriage counseling begins with the marital issues. This is not true. To understand issues of intimacy within a marriage, we need to start from the beginning. That means the beginning is at the beginning,which is not the middle or the end, based on the relationships of our youth. Seems logical enough, but all that seems to be forgotten by the time we reach our late 20s or by the time we’ve reached a point in our lives where we have had our fair share of broken relationships and disappointments. To connect the dots, it’s helpful to ask yourself questions like, “Did you ever feel like you don’t fit into your family? Have you always felt that your siblings just don’t get you? Have you struggled with intimate relationships when you were dating and now have issues in your marriage?” Your sibling relationships can also find their way into your marital issues. Many of the ways we relate to each other is based on past learned experiences in older relationships. We are a product of our emotional learning. How you handle closeness with people can be seen in how you handle closeness with your family of origin, like with siblings and parental figures.  

Siblings are an important part of the family tree assessment we complete at Family Tree Counseling. How one child experiences their family can be very different from another child from the same family. This is important to understand in order to gain a complete understanding of parenting styles. It works the same way with personal preference. One person may like pasta and another prefers fresh-baked bread more than pasta. Neither is right or wrong, but reflects a greater importance of one thing over another.  I recently had a client describe how her parents took her to a counselor when she was a young teenager to help her address her “issues” with communication. Her brother seemed to not have any issues with communication, so her parents assumed it must be their daughter’s issue.

It has since been almost 25 years and she explained how she and her husband never communicate well. In earlier therapy sessions, she had a defensiveness around accepting some responsibility for her reactions. Her husband complained about feeling like he couldn’t do anything right, that he worked long hours, and was exhausted listening to her criticize him for other things. He felt unsafe to talk about his feelings. They eventually separated and could not reconcile. The story is sad but the truth is, both parties felt like victims of the other one’s reactions. Her abandonment issues were so big, that she eventually re-created abandonment in her adult life and he has so much shame around being competent that he could not tolerate another triggering, unsafe criticism from his wife. His reactivity looks like cutting, running, and pain killing while her reactivity looks like raging and complaining. 

Looking back into their lives, this is the same way that she communicated with her family. The family decided “she was the one with the communication issue” and went to a counselor. The counselor, according to my client, stated that the issue was not with her  but with her parents.  She needed more of their time and attention, to feel heard about her daily struggles, but this was not being provided.  Based on this experience in her past, my client has continued to carry the shame of the blame for being unable to have her need met. By blaming herself for the loss of intimacy with her parents, her shame allows her to remain trapped in the belief that she could have done something differently than what she did, so her parents could love her. The truth must be that she was not doing enough to gain her needs in the relationship. The burden to be able to stay connected fell on her shoulders. Now that she is an adult, this burden is carried into the marriage.

Her husband’s story is that he was the good boy in the family, doing everything his parents asked him to do so he would remain in good standing. He learned to focus on gaining his parents’ approval since his father was highly critical and based on the chaotic and challenging relationship his brother had with his parents. My client decided not to fall into the trap of being the “bad” son and began shutting down internally, not expressing his feelings, keeping  his emotions hidden. Eventually his own needs would become a mystery, because of how much he abandoned himself, and his wife’s constant need for attachment would drive him further away.

 Now the siblings of these two people have very different interactions with their parents. Though they may agree on the issues in general, how these issues were managed in childhood is what makes each sibling different in intimate relationships. So, what do you think about your relationship with your sibling? How much of your family do you see in your sibling today? How have you defined yourself in reflection of an older or younger sibling? 

Seeking marriage counseling at Family Tree Counseling in Carmel, Indiana is a great first step to gaining a better understanding of yourself and who you are in your marriage. It’s easy to forget where we have been, especially when it’s been many years, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t still struggling with the demons of our past. Your marriage will reflect parts of your life that come from your past, because you have created it. You have drawn to you all the things that you are emotionally accustomed to dealing with and need to resolve. It is nature’s way of finding balance and peace. If you’re looking for a way to start marriage counseling, start your journey with Family Tree Counseling. Give me a call!

“Is He Worth Therapy?”

Dealing with someone you love who feels distant, uncommitted, and is possibly having an affair can be gut wrenching and painful. The sting of  betrayal, the lousy levels of intimacy, and the all around detachment is the last thing you thought you would end up with, especially when you told yourself you weren’t going to be one of those women “who got walked all over and abandoned.”  You told yourself that you would remain independent, support yourself as best as possible, because you knew all too well the pitfalls of a man who doesn’t REALLY love you. Or are you the more patient type, saying to yourself, “I was taught to love him through it and I will stay” but the whole time you’re feeling victimized, praying for mercy. This may have well been one of your greatest fears…. 

Does this sound like you? Are you relating to the situation? Couples going through scary and challenging times in their relationships often ask, “Is therapy   really worth it? Is he going to be worth all the work I have to do if he’s just going to keep cheating or remain uncommitted?”  One spouse states, ”I’m going to keep  coming even if she doesn’t, because I see the benefit  of what I’m learning here.” This particular case is around a spouse who is having a tough time allowing herself to feel the emotions of her painful and abandoning childhood, so she attends sessions more sporadically, while her husband attends regularly. The preceding case involves addictions with Internet porn, sex-ting, and emotional affairs. The husband’s vague and dishonest responses to his wife’s constant questioning about nude photos of his female friends drives his wife to the edge, leaving her further isolated, desperate, and void of affection, like a starved dog.

What becomes clear in the counseling sessions are the family backgrounds that have influenced the break of intimacy this couple and many couples come to face in marriage. What therapy provides is a clearer picture of truth about who each person is in the marriage, rather than just a “cheater” and a “victim.” The music and dance that the couple is performing is perfectly orchestrated by their childhood and current life situations. One desperate to get away and the other desperate to be closer. When each person in a relationship is resigned to desperation, feelings of abandonment, betrayal, cut-off, lack of affection, lack of being understood, and of belonging are fiercely triggered. Basic needs are not being met. Eventually, someone will respond as best as they know how, which may cause pain for the other. These basic, core needs are similar to our younger, childlike needs, which are crucial to our survival. So the painful dance between the two continues and progresses, however viciously and disconnected, recreating the feelings of our past and become expressed and real in our present. This is often followed with anxiety, panic attacks, shame, guilt, addictions, pain numbing behaviors, or emotional and physical cut-off, and sometimes abusive behaviors. Once these types of behaviors are occurring, gaining clarity in a nightmarish storm is almost impossible without some guidance. Without therapy, the dance becomes a way of life, both people lost in the shuffle, or should I say, “The Hustle….”

The real issues the couple is facing can resurface with therapy, with some guidance for a deeper understanding of truth. In the end, the real issues are not about the betrayal alone. The behavior is simply the dysfunctional intimacy revealing and expressing itself in a final act of desperation. The work is to continue looking deeper, to gain clarity about the motives and intentions that drive the behaviors. To remain focused on the pain experienced from the behavior is only the beginning. If each person in the relationship is dead set on blaming and pointing the finger at the other, then a smoke screen is being created by someone who is being motivated not to see themselves in the mirror of their relationship. Just saying “Stop doing what you’re doing because it’s wrong and you’re a terrible person” does not work.  True recovery begins when each person’s shame, guilt, low self-esteem, pain, anger, and lack of trust can be managed enough to see the other person’s flaws in a non-judgmental light. Without the reactive filters of severe pain, one can forensically see the other person with less judgement. The cheating husband is no longer a villain in a bad movie, but with a lot of patience and grace, each spouse can see the other for the broken, highly functioning dysfunctional person they chose. More importantly, each person can see themselves in a more truth filled light. An illuminated view that eventually becomes more empowering compared to the “Whoa is me, I’m a victim” stance.

Whatever the addiction, workaholism, approval seeking, sex, people relationships, gossiping, shopping, drinking….all create a lack of intimacy with others and worse, yourself. Treating the behavior is not enough. Once the behavior stops, the feelings that were being managed by the addiction will erupt. So the choice is to blow yourself up or seek therapy. Choose the latter, even if you are the only bloom in the desert, at least you have yourself. You will gain the most important person you lost, YOU!

“Truth about Abandonment!”

Abandonment happens everyday in our lives……it happened in our past and it will happen again. Abandonment is the feeling that says “I did not get what I wanted or needed from myself or from the outside world.” Abandonment can be a mild, almost indiscernible feeling that eventually grows into a much stronger, anxiety creating feeling. Abandonment is difficult to detect since it lies beneath many other layers of emotion. Some of these emotions are fear, anxiety, worry, despair, angst, anger, rage, jealousy, shame,guilt, sadness, and depression. Some defense mechanisms people use to deflect or manage abandonment are counter and co-dependency, pride, ego boosting, obsessive compulsive disorders, addictions, workaholism, busyness, enmeshment with others, being controlling, overly sensitive, hyper-vigilance about others (being too focused on other people’s reactions and behaviors), being disconnected or numbing, obsessing about money, perfectionism, having body image issues, and many others.

Infidelity, emotional affairs, separation, divorce, death, becoming parents, gambling, and addictions are some severe examples of triggers that allow feelings of abandonment to resurface.  Some milder examples of triggers are empty nesting, working too much, not knowing how to say no to others, being too busy, overly focusing on money or other people, or being controlling. We are not victims of abandonment and it is not shameful to experience abandonment. Abandonment is not intended to be judged in either a positive or negative light, but rather, just accepted as a part of life! Abandonment occurs, much like many other life situations, that are outside of our control. If we consider our childhood back to babyhood and infancy, abandonment occurred on a regular basis. Feelings of anger and rage are easily seen in babies who scream at the top of their lungs for food, comfort, cleanliness, and security. This is a simple cry for help and an expression of needs that must be met from an individual who does not have the capacity to speak or the power to provide the necessities of life on their own. Children are solely dependent for others to survive. As a natural consequence, babies and children express anger, displeasure, and rage with all the strength of the body.

This experience provides knowledge and learning about how to behave when we have to communicate our deepest needs. These experiences of abandonment and dependency travel with us as we age and move into adulthood. Emotional growth occurs on a continuum and is NOT made up of separate experiences, regardless of whether or not we are able to recall these types of experiences. It is a myth to believe that negative experiences about abandonment did not occur or are resolved within us if we cannot recall the memories. These experiences lie deeply buried in our unconscious and subconscious minds until therapy provides an open pathway to reconnect to our past. The brain and body, upon learning from the past, mimic these behaviors in an effort to meet the required needs throughout our lives. Since this is the only learned information that applies to our experiences, we do what we know until we learn something new.

Now, you might be saying to yourself, ”Yeah, so what? Why does this matter? So what if my dad worked all the time. He provided the best he could and so did my mom. We never went without.” This is a common sentiment during initial therapy sessions. This is indicative of how well a person has maneuvered through life and survive as well as possible without becoming bogged down in the past. The truth is, who we are today is reminiscent of where we came from, so the past matters since we cannot separate who we are today from our past experiences. As children, we express our needs in a healthy way as a dependent person who has needs and is incapable of providing support to have those needs met. However, this expression is an unhealthy one in an adult. Why is it unhealthy? Because we are no longer children and that means the world will not respond to us in a way that meets our needs when we sound like children or teenagers. We are not taken seriously or trusted when we use our younger voices and behaviors. It is not unhealthy because of the judgement, “It’s wrong to be childish!” The reality is that you will not be taken seriously by your significant others, because you are an adult.  Also, in our younger lives, we might have expressed having a need in the only way possible,  which is reasonable for a child, however the outside world might not have met those needs. In fact, the chances are high that many of us did not receive what we needed, because no one receives everything they need all of the time, so it is likely that most are wounded from this experience. Wounded because beliefs and fears are developed around these unpleasant and unfulfilling experiences. If we deny this about ourselves, then denial is part of the defense mechanism and you are liable to make the same mistakes now and in the future. The state of your marriage or relationship is indicative of how well you are able to meet your needs and the needs of your family members. Abandonment is visible in our lives today. When we enter into relationships that become challenging our needs are not met. The challenge becomes the ability to notice immediately, the emotional distancing that begins after being a relationship for a few years. Emotional distancing is a form of abandonment for both the one doing the distancing and the one experiencing the distancing.

If you are saying to yourself, “Well, I don’t act like a child or immature.” Then you are misunderstanding how childhood feelings are experienced. In our core, in our secret hearts, we know what we need, want or desire. We feel our feelings in an innocent and honest way, though this may not be known to our significant other. We all feel fear, worry, anxiety, desire, sadness, insecurity, etc. These are feelings we have about ourselves and the world no matter how beautiful, how smart, or how much money you have…feelings of fear and abandonment occur for everyone. Our core needs as human beings do not change from childhood to adulthood. People struggle with feelings of being unloved, unaccepted, insecure, being misunderstood, etc. These feelings show up in our lives in an indirect way through our families, friends, and significant others. How we manage our emotional state within our intimate circle is indicative of past and present abandonment. 

Describing this phenomenon of abandonment to couples is challenging, especially when one spouse has provided plenty of fuel for the fire that blew up their marriage with infidelity, lack of intimacy, arguing, distancing, addictions, etc. It’s so easy to be the victim of someone else’s poor choices. Our culture’s belief system is fueled by abandonment. Everything in our culture is geared to avoiding abandonment, by teaching that pain and discomfort is meant to be avoided. We do this by teaching that being a good person or making more money, being physically fit, to…” you fill in the blank” will keep you from being disappointed in life.  The goal to not get hurt and have negative experiences is the primary directive. So, when the pain happens,  we assume, “Hey, this isn’t right. I’m a good person and I should not have to go through this! This is just wrong!” This is a victim mentality and is looking at life as being a journey where the purpose in living is to avoid scary and hurtful experiences, which is not possible. This is encouraging people to feel justified in emotionally cut-offing from the painful experience as the proper way to avoid pain in the face of betrayal. However, this is unhealthy and eventually we distance ourselves from the thing we desire most…love and intimacy! Yes, we do this to ourselves. By doing this unhealthy behavior, we re-create the abandonment we felt in our youth and project it into our intimate relationships.

 

Whew! Okay, so now, what does this have to do with my boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse…..? Stay tuned for the next post to learn more……..don’t worry, it will be here soon!

He won’t change! She won’t change!

On a recent trip, I looked out the window of my airplane seat and noticed fluffy white clouds and a clear blue sky. Below the massive clouds were cities covered in darkness. I noticed that from my vantage point, the day was clear, blue and sunny. From below the clouds, the sky above the city was dark, stormy, and probably windy. Perspective is our reality, each person has a perspective that colors and filters their world. After several months of therapy, one client asked me ”will it always feel this hopeless?” The same client usually asks me, “well, what am I supposed to do?”  The work of a therapist is to show the clarity that lies beyond the darkness or hopeless feelings. Clarity and appreciation for painful life circumstances is difficult to see when your partner is suffering from sexual addiction, is disconnected, has abandonment, shame, or has had an affair. It is hard for you to see these circumstances as beneficial in your recovery when you’re in severe pain. The perspective often seems bleak and dismal.
The work towards recovery is to recognize that you cannot always see what lies below or outside the clouds. In this case, the clouds are your mental filter or your pain. Much like the atmosphere I experienced during my flight, your emotional background ”clouds” or alters your perspective, your reality, your judgement of life and adds filters to how you see your significant other. Seeing your reality from one perspective, limits your ability to see the light from another perspective. It leaves you in a dark, cloudy place.

During group session this past week a client asked, ”Why should I do the therapy if he isn’t committed?” Marriage counseling is not about the “relationship” or the “marriage” all of the time…..therapy is about the individuals inside the relationship. The relationship is the outer core that provides definition to the two people who have been together, sharing intimacy on several levels, much like the earth is part of a larger universe. Or like a car with working parts. If something is wrong with your car, you don’t throw out the entire car and buy a different one, or tell yourself, “Well, the car isn’t working, I guess I need another car.” You take the car to a mechanic for a check up to pinpoint the part of the car that is causing the malfunction. Sometimes the malfunction involves several parts and pieces that need adjusting. Marital therapy is the same way….two people who are complex systems, entering into a relationship, who have baggage from their backgrounds, enter into a system of a relationship. Whatever is not working, needs to be checked out. The correct or right answer does not exist, until the work has been done to understand the truth about who you are and why you see life as you do, then this is shared with your significant other. This means sharing all of who you are, the good, the bad, the ugly to one another, and not just focusing on the “bad” behavior that brought you to therapy. One goal is to learn about your reactions and emotions to your relationship’s challenges. These are the opportunities that arrive at your doorstep so you can learn about yourself through your pain, even when you know there are no guarantees. Being married and having a piece of paper that says you are married, does NOT provide a guarantee of loyalty, love, trust, and unconditional love. It is only an intention. There aren’t marriage police officers that come by to check up on you to see if you are being a good wife or husband. Relationships cause pain and take a lot of work. Being in recovery means understanding that the world can be a painful place, that all people have issues, and you might get stung. Instead of becoming reactive and bitter, you can have your needs met if you could understand your reactions and learn more about yourself. You can become more loving and accepting of yourself and others, even in the midst of painful circumstances. This journey requires work and patience, with tolerance for discomfort while facing the unknown.

Pain is good…..

“We were doing pretty good until we came in today.” I hear this from a couple pretty often, who visit me weekly for marital counseling. She has anxiety and perfectionistic tendencies and he enables her controlling tone and anxious decision-making. Being a co-dependent husband isn’t unfamiliar to him, because he learned in his childhood to be the “good boy” by getting good grades, not rocking the boat, and being helpful to anyone as much as possible. He learned to find approval and belonging by playing this role in his life. She happens to feel shame about her image and her performance, so she manages her anxious feelings through him….by trying to control, prevent, and maneuver life decisions. If she feels uncomfortable, she lets him know and he receives the information about her feelings as his responsibility.

 

 

When challenged about this behavior, he  and she say, ”But isn’t that love, isn’t that why they’re married, so they have each other’s back?” The answer is no, a resounding, confident, “NO.” They are experiencing an unhealthy coping mechanism they each created in their childhood and now its the only way they know to manage married life. Though they may know this in their minds, the heart is still the deciding element used to make decisions. So they remain unable to accomplish or follow through to address what is really going on in their marriage. 

Marriage can be more fulfilling if we can grow from it, spiritually and emotionally. As children and young adults, we grew up trying to avoid the scary things about life. Our care takers taught us a good amount of fear about crossing the road without looking, touching a hot stove, not talking to strangers, and so on…. But when is it okay to recognize that pain is good? When is it okay to feel sadness, disappointment, fear, anger, resentment, depression, anxiety, shame, or guilt? How did you learn to manage these types of feelings? They exist for everyone and they do not go away just because we get married or fall in love with someone. Love does not stop these emotions from occurring, no matter how much we deny them. These types of feelings will and do push themselves to the surface, regardless of how much we do to push them away. 

Pain is good! When couples argue, fight, or disconnect, they experience the stages of feelings that are being triggered from the outside. But the feelings come from the inside. The outside is not always manageable or controllable, but our inside feelings and response to what we think can be understood, evaluated, and managed.  Pain can be productive. Pain points to our inner truth, our beliefs, our fears, and our most intimate thoughts. When my client says, “I know, because she looks like she’s mad at me. I can’t stand it when she doesn’t talk to me and just shuts down! What am I supposed to do with that?!?”  The issue is not the wife’s appearance, but the assumptions the husband is making about her appearance, and then he must evaluate how he is going to respond and whether or not he understands the truth of his response. The issue is not, “How can I keep the other person from being disappointed or upset with me.”

If you are living with someone who feels like the end of the world is drawing near when something feels scary, painful, hurtful, or disrespectful, then you need to understand more about your dynamics with this person. If you are taking on someone else’s emotional burdens and feeling smaller, unimportant, and less than them, then you need to evaluate your willingness to be in such a relationship with the other person. Ask yourself what allows for such a dynamic, what type of pain is this situation pointing at for you.

Clients often leave sessions saying they felt better before the session started because they have been working on denying the painful and uncomfortable feelings in order to maintain an unfulfilling marital life. The purpose of marriage is not to coddle an adult who wants to remain in infancy and childhood, feeling afraid of crossing the street. The purpose of marriage is to bring about productive pain and discomfort that results in fulfillment and personal growth.